Every once and a while I get an urge to write a blog that is
highly academic. Really, I have always wanted to be a Professor (apart from the
poor treatment of non-tenured faculty in modern academia).
First, understand this will be a post about self-compassion.
The co-opting of the Buddhist religion by just about everyone is probably a
fair critique (McDonagh, 2015). In fact, it probably is the most
understated form of cultural appropriation. Even in academic settings, self-compassion
is often framed as a type of mindfulness. You can separate out the
technique from the religion, of course, as we will do here. However, we need to
realize that these techniques tend to lead to certain changes. Of course, while
I like Taoism a hell of a lot more than Buddhism (even though they are
sometimes related), the perspective I am writing from here is one of a Chaos
Magician with heavy Taoist leanings (for the purposes this blog).
So much of what is comprised within modern occult materials
leads to the "Love Thyself" refrain that it is very difficult to know
what exactly that even means in practice. This sentiment is often coupled with
the idea that “Self-Esteem” is key. Certainly the Left Hand Path frames the sharpening
of your ego as a primary goal, as well as achievement. It turns out that
academically researched, “Self-Esteem” in the best of cases is rather a
difficult idea. Self-esteem always has a component of comparison. There is good
self-esteem and a bad self-esteem. It’s a self-valuation. If you are on the “bad”
or “poor” self-esteem side of things, you are told to go improve your
self-esteem, which usually means some sort of achievement. That is not the
easiest goal, if you are in a bad place (Breines, J. G., & Chen,
S., 2012).
Magicians are doubly hexed by this whole “self-esteem” notion. Some
magics, especially sigils, incorporate a substantive level of belief and
confidence-effects into the formula of efficacy. (Really, it’s a part of all
magic, it’s just that spirit-based magicians tend to want to downplay it.) Another
important point which is often given lip service is the notion of detachment. Peter
Carroll pretty clearly tried to appropriate Buddhist techniques, but that’s ok
since Aleister Crowley clearly tried to appropriate Hindu techniques via Yoga. Both
philosophies involve detachment, but why and how does this relate to the idea
of “Self-Love?
Let's start with an exercise:
Your Friend:
People are generally
far more compassionate toward their friends than they are toward themselves.
So, we are going to “clone” ourselves and literally become our own best friend.
Through the magic of perceptual shifting, we can do this whenever we need to. Imagine
in all five of your senses that you
are talking to a friend about their problems, limitations and failures. You
might notice that you take a certain tone, body language etc. Now, imagine a
friend talking to you about your problems and limitations, trying to work
on solution orientated discourse, not just complaining about the
problems and issues.
You are working with
a friend who does not judge you and who truly wants to help you, on actionable steps that you can take.
Have a real discussion in your communication with your internal representation
of your friend. Notice in your meditation where you place them in space.
Now have a discussion
with yourself.
Does that situation
go as well as the constructive session with the compassionate friend? How does
your tone of voice change toward yourself?
Now, as a trick, try
to imagine a version of yourself AS the compassionate friend. Have a
conversation with yourself as that friend. Become that friend to yourself. Remember,
you have already imagined yourself as the compassionate friend, so why do you
think it is more difficult using your five senses to experience that version of
yourself? What other insights do you get from doing this?
As a final part of
the exercise, try to have yourself talk to yourself from this position of compassion
and the perspective that everything is just an experience. How does reducing
that experience down to information input and not associating with that
experience help you detach, improve and grow?
Did you feel more motivated after
talking to your compassionate friend with a solution-oriented view, or would
you feel more motivated by talking to yourself in a harsh manner? Most people,
as it turns out, respond much better to the compassionate solution-orientated
approach (Breines, J. G., &
Chen, S., 2012). This fact is not at all intuitive and goes against our
"go-to" approach in the west, aka Work Harder/Do Harder”. Breines
points out the fact that this harsh self-talk increases stress which actually decreases performance. In the worst cases, it becomes
crippling.
Surely, when you do not have self-esteem, the language of
the Self changes. These might sound familiar, "It’s just how I
am", or worse, the "I can't". Some "experts" suggest
changing the “can't” to “won't”, but in reality, there are real limits to the pain-based
self-change ideals. Really, it all goes back to the cultural lie of “work
harder= success”. It is an American lie that infects our self-being.
Psychology (and often, occultists) would often say you need high self-esteem
for magic. The rise of self-compassion (directly appropriated from eastern
religions) is, in fact, a reaction to the holes in the self-esteem theories. The
research says that self-esteem always involves comparison to other (internal or
external) reference points. There is always a measure of "how good you
feel about yourself" in relation to other states. The comparison eventually
leads to "not-as-good" ideas and voices. Essentially, the comparisons effectively act to tear down self-esteem if a person's situation changes.
Eventually this reduces self-confidence as well.
Self-Compassion vs. Self Pity
Goldstein points out that "Because
one’s awareness is totally consumed by subjective reactions, one cannot step
back from the situation and adopt a more objective perspective. In contrast,
self-compassion requires that individuals do not over- identify with their
emotions, so that there is ‘‘mental space’’ in which to extend oneself kindness
and recognize the broader human context of one’s
experience" (Goldstein & Michaels, 1985; Scheff, 1981).
Neff goes on and says "Self-compassion, therefore, involves being touched
by and open to one’s own suffering, not avoiding or disconnecting from it,
generating the desire to alleviate one’s suffering and to heal oneself with
kindness. Self-compassion also involves offering nonjudgmental understanding to
one’s pain, inadequacies and failures, so that one’s experience is seen as part
of the larger human experience" (Neff, 2003).
Self-Pity then becomes the state in which we DO overly identify with a
subjective reaction (usually, at the basis of a comparison.) Let's leave
out the kindness explanations and describe this in a more Taoist way. Is
the experience which we are attached to any more intrinsically real then
the opposite experience? Are any of the experiences more valid in
themselves? No, they are all just experiences. Or, from the NLP
perspective, they are just information. Is experiencing the pain and suffering
any more valid than the joy? Not really, although the joy feels better, it is not more valid, as all experience is valid.
Self-pity is not adaptive to the situation and does not allow for a person to
make objective judgements about the situation, only subjective judgments about
themselves. The judgement does not mean it’s more valid in the pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps
version of negative reinforcement, self-harshness, and self-pity. The bootstrap mythos would say, “Well, just believe you can do it
and get off your ass!” but this harsh self-aggression only serves to disempower
the individual even further. On the flip side, one can easily see how a person
might "Get off their ass and DO" and it would only serve as a
temporary aid in their self-esteem. In fact, it might be just enough of a
boost that the person would stop taking in new information and thus, sooner or
later, crash.
Motivation
This comes down to different strategies
of motivation, only one of which is sustainable. The “beat yourself up” (cause yourself
pain to remind yourself to avoid similar situations) and the “move toward
positivity in self-analysis” methods. The bootstrap- “beat yourself up” method
might work in the short term, but in the long term it pretty consistently associates
the "ego" or self-voices with pain. The subconscious mind's
goal is the avoidance of pain (aka survival instinct) so the real lesson it
learns is to ignore you eventually. Any changes you want to make = pain,
so they must be bad. This path of
the inner critic is by far hugely destructive and it is something we struggle
with for a long time even as magicians. There are, of course, people who
say "Nah, that ain’t me".
Ask them how much they drink.
Remember, pain reduction is the goal of the subconscious mind and
what does alcohol do?
This of course means that the opposite
is true as well. Positive reinforcement is the enhancement of the
relationship between the self and the subconscious mind
Exercise 2:
That Inner Voice.
Repeat Exercise
1 doing only the last step. Think about and question yourself on how
your motivation changes. Are you more or
less motivated when using the
positive self-compassion model, or more motivated by the self-critic?
Repeat the last part of the exercise, drawing that
compassionate self into your throat and asked it to fill every part of you with
that compassion and self-love.
Although that is a
fast modification, there is a lot more you could do once you began amplifying
those sensations of self-compassion via the methods detailed in Hands on Chaos Magic.
On Ego-Destruction
The “kill your ego” this and “kill your
ego” that of the new age verbiage has always irritated me. You cannot
kill your ego. However, your "ego", (the story of the “I”) CAN
certainly be ill-adapted to current situations. Really, pride, self-confidence,
and self-respect can be utilized to good effect, but the attempt to
be humbler then thou, well it is best summed up with this and this. Simply
put, you need your ego to survive and most human communication is about
influence. That said, sometimes we can get stuck on an experience and overly
identify with that experience in a way that is non-adaptive. People will act in
ways that are self-destructive. Of course, if you go tell yourself
"STOP that shit, you asshat", well, that’s counterproductive. On the
flip side, people who claim to be without ego are lying. They just have mutated
their ego to fit a certain set of expectations based on the culture of the new
age market. Essentially, their ego and self-esteem are based in how well they
conform to that particular world view (see the comparison). The important
thing, (and self-compassion seems to generate this) is that "Self-compassion increases self-improvement by allowing a
belief that elements of mind are changeable and improves motivation and success
outcomes" (Neff, 2003). It’s not the end of the ego transformation that
really is important, only that the ego can
change and transform. That fact makes the motivation to change and how you do it
all the more important.
Sometimes Stress is a Sign: a further cog in the machine
Before going into another exercises, let's not forget these technologies
are appropriated. Mostly, I might say “so what” to that, but we have to take a
look at the greater culture surrounding the appropriations (and more
importantly, how that affects the magic.)
Mindfulness means you produce more. There are countless Silicon
Valley companies, including Google, using mindfulness and self-compassion
techniques. Is it really compassion they are pushing? Compassion for what?
Meditation and these types of exercises lower stress which improves
performance. Certainly you could transform yourself to be more present and
more self-compassionate in line with what you need to do to succeed at a job. But
what is going on here? You are transforming yourself to be a better, more
productive slave for a corporation. Google throws around nice terms like “search
within”, and many Silicon Valley companies have people meditate.
The truth is that teaching people to meditate and accept
their lot a) Reduces stress so lowers
medical bills. b) Allows the
corporate master to eke out just a little more of the person's time and energy
for productivity. c) Builds a more
compliant slave.
Does this sound like freedom? NO! It is hypnotic,
meditatively induced compliance.
Sometimes you are stressed out and your internal voices are
all so pissed off BECAUSE THEY SHOULD BE! They are the internal warning
signs that something ain't right.
Sure, a lot of the time these angry internal voices are in fact internalizations
of external people but sometimes you need to step up and listen.
While new age philosophies will often deride anger, as a magician
sometimes we have to ask what the anger is really about, because sometimes you should be angry!
USE
THIS EXERCISE WISELY, IN SUPPORT OF YOUR OWN HAPPINESS, NOT JUST TO BE A
FUCKING COG!
Exercise 3: That Inner Critic: A Chao-Alchemy
Voice Transformation
Silencing the Inner Critic
is one of the hardest things to do. It is also (mostly) not possible. However,
taking a page from Hands On Chaos Magic, a few NLP
techniques, and a dash of self-hypnosis, we can turn the corner on the Inner Critic.
First, the Inner Critic
is more like a collective than a singular voice. You will have more than one of
them. If you have ever talked yourself out of an idea, or harshly
criticized yourself, you are well familiar with the Inner Critic.
Relax. Breathe. Center.
Remember a time that
you were really harsh on yourself. Or, imagine what it is like when you are
overly harsh on yourself. Pay attention to your own body language, including posture,
eye movement, and other cues. Notice how you talk to yourself. Hear the
language you use, the tone, the pitch, the speed. Notice what pronouns you use
when you talk to yourself. Pay attention to how you structure statements and
the cadence of speech. You may notice that this originates within a certain
spatial area around you or from some specific position within your body. The
voice(s) will probably make you feel uncomfortable. KEEP GOING.
Move the voice to
your throat area. Notice any changes. Force the voice to use the “we” or “I”
pronoun. Notice how the voice changes. Despite the discomfort, ask the
voice what positive purpose it serves.
Every internal voice,
even negative voices from the subconscious, will have a positive intention. Usually
the negative voices are trying to keep you away from some sort of pain.
The hard part is that
you have to express compassion (just like you did above) with the voice and
even express non-judgmental love (regardless of what the voice says). Just
keep going and asking what is its’ positive intention, what is its positive
purpose? Eventually, while speaking as the “we/I”, it will give you an
answer. Often times, you will just know
the answer is true (the epiphany, or “ah-HA” moment).
Keep expressing that
compassion and love (it is self-love, hard love at this point). After the voice
softens, tell the voice you are willing to listen and work with it. That you
might not do what it is advising, but you will always listen and consider its
point of view. Notice how that changes the voice. Ask the voice, in compassion,
acceptance and non-judgmental love how you can best work with it. Make
suggestions, assure it that you will listen, ask it if there is a positive way
it can be heard while meeting its core purpose. As it is speaking about you via
the “I/We Voice”, remember, this is you
talking to you. Compassion directed at the Voice is compassion
directed at Yourself.
Keep expressing
that love and compassion towards the voice. Eventually it will reflect that same
love and compassion back to you.
Keep going and do not
stop until you get a change (and you will). It might take several
sessions to get to a point where you can really work with the voice, but you
will find out that it can bring tremendous changes to your day to day
existence.
At the end of the
session, LAUGH OUT LOUD. This is just to give you an extra boost after a
potentially difficult time. (Laughter is
also an effective form of banishing).
What happens when you do this effectively? How can the
self-compassion work change you? Self-compassion towards your harshest
internal critics softens all of the voices. Your internal obstacles start
falling away. You gain room for growth and internalize positive motivational
stimuli. This is significant movement towards greater and greater
self-compassion and expression of self-love.
These methods of personification can be explained more comprehensively
via some of the shadow and servitor work chapters of my book, Hands on Chaos Magic.
Next Week:
Part II: SELF-COMPASSION & PRACTICAL MAGIC: so what does this do to your magic?
Bibliography
Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion
increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social
Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133-1143.
Goldstein, A. P., & Michaels, G. Y.
(1985). Empathy: Development, training, and consequences.
Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Leary, M. R., Tate, E. B.,
Adams, C. E., Allen, A. B., & Hancock, J. (2007). Self-compassion and
reactions to unpleasant self-relevant events: The implications of treating
oneself kindly. Journal of
Personality and Social
Psychology, 92, 887-904.
McDonagh, M. (n.d.). Mindfulness is something worse than just a smug
middle-class trend » The Spectator. Retrieved May 9, 2015, from
http://www.spectator.co.uk/features/9355692/whats-wrong-with-mindfulness-more-than-you-might-think/
Neff, K. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy
attitude toward oneself. Self and identity, 2(2), 85-101.
Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K. L., & Rude, S. S. (2007).
Self-compassion and adaptive psychological functioning. Journal of
research in personality, 41(1), 139-154.
So it get to do a cheater blog. because well, well lots of reasons.
